It’s a Cracker!

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and
told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go
home,get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, “B’Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me, it will do the job”, said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. :-)

11 surefire ways of getting rid of your girlfriend

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If you cannot see the full pictures, just right click on each picture and select either “Open Image”  or “Save Image”
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Which one will you choose???

The Trucker and the Not So Dumb Blonde (Joke)

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is… an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!”

Bush’s Rescue

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you’re not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”

A CEO’s life

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.”
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

Maria’s First Night after Marriage

Maria had just got married and she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. ‘Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.’
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’
‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says the mother, ‘all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!’
‘Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.’
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!’
‘Stay here and stir the pasta,’ the mother says. ‘This is a job for Mama!’

The polite way to pee (joke)

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”

The teacher fainted…

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