Jesse Ryder’s resume

Jesse Ryder

Jesse Ryder

Name
Jesse Ryder

Aka
Wellington’s wildest child

In a nutshell
Big-hitting, big-boned, big-bingeing boy who takes after Tubby, Boonie, Arjuna and Gatt. (Especially Boonie.) Not big on rules, structure, weight training, window panes or such fripperies. But not above foresight and planning: he has been known to get started on tequila slammers the night before a match, so he can seamlessly drift through the minor inconvenience of the game and into the post-match whistle-wetting. Has turned over a new leaf since, allegedly.

Key skill
Ryder possesses not just the stomach for a fight but the chin, cheeks, love handles and hams.

Most endearing trait (except if you’re a press person)
Answers questions at press conferences in a maximum of two words.

Major weakness
Sixpack on a good length.

How-fitting-is-that Dept
In 2007 he told the selectors he wouldn’t be available for a New Zealand A tour after he signed as one of Ireland’s overseas players.

Also, being given a bottle of champagne after he was voted the Man of the Series in the ODIs against India recently.

What Christchurch bar owners have learned about him
That he packs a mean punch.

What bowlers everywhere have learned about him
Ditto.

Strange but true fact I
Is given to astonishing feats of athleticism while fielding at gully that no self-respecting chubby lad would be caught dead performing.

Strange-but-true fact II
Has not had a drink since the West Indies tour last year, according to his manager, Aaron Klee. After New Zealand won the recent Twenty20 series against India, Ryder had a Coke while his mates chugged beer. He then turned in.

Major sub-groups among his fans
Kids. Window-pane makers. Beverage manufacturers.

Point of etiquette when out pub-crawling with Ryder
Don’t stand in his way when he’s headed for the bathroom.

Best headline
“Ryder adds weight to New Zealand’s middle order”

Worst headline
“Easy Ryder”

Massive headline-related missed opportunity
Imagine if the Kolkata Knight Riders had signed him up.

Specialist subject on Mastermind
Rock stars who chucked TVs into swimming pools.

Most likely to say
“I’ll drink to that.”

Least likely to say
“Let’s call it a night.”

Record to watch out for
Boonie’s 52-cans one on the Australia-England flight.

Collectible to watch out for
The talking Jesse doll. Trademark line: “Gimme five… for the road.”

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